A+ A-

Geeky :

  • Did you hear about the restaurant NASA is starting at the Moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.”
  • Q: "Whats the object-oriented way to become wealthy?" A: Inheritance

Best WhatsApp statuses :

  • Weird is a side effect of awesomeness/ being awesome.

  • Relationships are a lot like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

  • I heard you took an IQ test and they said your results were negative.

  • My girlfriend is like my iPad... I don't have an iPad.

  • The longer the title the less important the job.

  • A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

  • Until I was thirteen I thought my name was 'Shut up!'.
  • If “Plan A” didn't work. Don’t worry; the alphabet has 25 more letters.
  • I had a horribly busy day converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
  • Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
  • You’re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
  • I'm pretty sure my prayers go directly to God's spam folder.
  • I am not fat, I am just easier to see.
  • I never make the same mistake twice. Three, four times maybe. But never twice.
  • They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what? Who's in a hurry?
  • Try to say the letter "M" without your lips touching.
  • Try to say the letter "p" without your lips touching.

Funny :

  • I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.
  • Why can’t we all just get a Long Island Iced Tea?
  • Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
  • After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it’s true potential helping people wink online :)
  • How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentickles.
  • Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
  • Plateau is the highest form of flattery.
  • What do you call when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
  • Whats orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
  • Whatever you’ve achieved in life, you still have a giraffe to look upto.
  • Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
  • Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
  • The year is 2060. iPhone 842 is released. The screen touches you..
  • Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
  • Anything related to elephants is irrelephant.
  • If you think you are too small to make a difference, you haven’t spent the night with a mosquito.
  • Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
  • Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
  • I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
  • Bond. Hydrogen bond.
  • If you’re 17 and your 200 year old lover won’t turn you into a vampire so you can be together forever, he’s just not that into you.
  • What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
  • If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
  • Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
  • My brain has too many tabs open, Need to stop refreshing.
  • You think I’m not online. But I’m always here. Even if I’m not updating my status. I’m here. Scrolling. Judging.
  • What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
  • Lazy Rule: If it falls under the bed, it’s gone. Forever.
  • True ninjas let the microwave hit 0 but don’t let it beep…
  • Saving a file and then realizing you have no idea where you just saved it. So you save it again :|
  • How hasn’t someone invented a smoke detector that can tell the difference between “blazing inferno” & “toast”?!?
  • Everybody learns how to dance when they drop a knife.
  • That awkward moment when the titanic sunk because the look out guys were watching Rose and Jack makeout.
  • My life will not be complete until I’ve walked away from an explosion in slow motion.
  • I tried killing a spider with hairspray. He’s still alive, but his hair looks outstanding.
  • Lowercase letters: just like UPPERCASE letters, but without the drama.
  • Insomnia is the triumph of mind over mattress.
  • Why do people feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’M GOING TO KILL.. Ah darn he’s under a blanket”
  • Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there’s an idiot pulling a door that says “PUSH”.
  • “If you fall, I’ll be there.” -The Floor
  • Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his rather short life.
  • I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
  • ‘K’, 'ma' and ‘lol’ can just go and die.
  • Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish for compliments, he’ll join your Facebook and post enigmatic status updates.
  • Pretending to be a functioning adult is exhausting.
  • If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
  • That annoying moment when you close the wrong tab.
  • That awkward moment when you’re yelling at someone and you mess up a word.
  • I always try to accomplish something before the microwave reaches zero.
  • Kids, try dealing with bullies the way I did: Grow up to be smarter, wealthier and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.
  • Three reasons to stand up: 1. To get the remote 2. To go to the bathroom 3. Because you’re the real slim shady
  • Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy.
  • Raisin cookies that look like chocolate chip cookies are the main reason I have trust issues.
  • That awkward moment when its dark and you think there is another step so you hulk-stomp the floor
  • This status is just as useful as a Red light in Grand theft Auto.
  • 2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.
  • Trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
  • Lazy Rule #102:Why should I make the bed if I’m going to sleep in it again?
  • Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
  • decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
  • Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning.
  • Whenever you’re bored send this text to a random number.. “I hid the body.”
  • The 3 most common lies on the internet: 1) I have read and agreed to the terms of service. 2) Status: Offline. 3) I am over 18.
  • If someone says “I love you,” and you don’t feel the same way, say “I love Youtube” really fast.
  • Wanna email someone. Accidentally press send. Try to cancel message. “Message sent!”
  • Whenever I accidentally hurt my pet, I’m like “OH MY GOD! OH IM SO SORRY!” and they run away. I run after them like “LET ME LOOVE YOUU!”
  • Saying bye to someone… then staying online for another 2 hours.
  • Make a mistake while typing password, erase the whole damn password, retype.
  • I lost sixty pounds in two seconds with diet and exercise and Photoshop.
  • I had the urge to clean my place today so I played a game till the urge went away.
  • The traffic light always turns green right as I’m picking up my phone.
  • Before you eat a chip, you have to look into the bag to find the perfect chip.
  • WARNING: Going to sleep Sunday night causes Monday. Staying up all night Sunday also causes Monday. There is no cure. :(
  • The front pockets in a suitcase exist solely for you to stuff in all the crap you forgot to pack before you zipped the suitcase up.
  • Walking into your room and saying “Damn, I need to clean this…” then walking out.
  • Team Jacob ?, Team Edward ?, Team Guy that almost ran Bella over with his car ?
  • Silly barber, always puts my superman cape on backwards.
  • Every-time I read ROFL I hear Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle"
  • I love it when I buy a bag of air, and the company is nice enough to put chips in it.
  • “What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
  • If my room is clean, it means that Facebook is not working.
  • is cle’a]ni.ng hi’s ke]yb29oa;rd on skr3en
  • just spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate
  • I am as confused as a chameleon in a room full of skittles!
  • It takes skill to trip over a flat surface. I have that skill.
  • lf the people in the movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
  • If you watch Godzilla backwards its about a dinosaur who passionately pieces a city back together before moonwalking into the sea.
  • What do you call a person who watch's an apple store being robbed? iWitness
  • is making voodoo dolls. Did you feel that? How about now?
  • Why do flies rub there hands like evil villains??
  • Lazy rule: Can’t reach what I dropped, don’t need it.
  • Internet connection failed!: ? Wait patiently. ? Rape the refresh button.
  • Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns.
  • 1000 aches = 1 megahurtz
  • These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are rubbish. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
  • I put my phone on "Airplane mode" and threw it . Worst Transformer ever
  • LIKE If you've ever laughed so hard, no noise comes out, so you sit there clapping like a dumbfounded seal
  • Dear life. When I asked if my day could get worse it was a rhetorical question not a challenge.
  • Unwritten Facebook rule #5 : If that person isn’t in the photo, don’t tag them.
  • I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he'll never have any friends.
  • If you watch Titanic backwards, It is a heart warming tale of a ship which jumps out of the water & saves lots of drowning people.
  • That update doesn’t really seem to make any difference, Adobe.
  • If you’re trying to improve your memory, lend someone money
  • Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • That awkward little dance your thumbs do when you don’t know how to reply to someones text…
  • Q is just O with a cigar..
  • Always be yourself, unless you can be a penguin. Then always be a penguin..
  • There’s no panic like trying to press “End Call” when you make an accidental call..
  • I’m searching Facebook for people named Hontas, just because I think it would be cool… to poke a Hontas.
  • Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
  • Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories (per hr)
  • For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.
  • How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
  • It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
  • Facebook is the only place where it’s acceptable to talk to a wall.
  • Why do we press hard on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
  • A: “Was that lightning?!” B: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
  • That awkward moment when you’re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.

Romantic :

  • Make me food and laugh at my jokes and I’ll love you forever.
  • Feeling someone smile while kissing them is the best feeling ever.
  • I wanna be the reason you slightly tilt your phone away from others when you read it.

Images Status :

whatsapp


By
Share to:
 
Top